I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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