They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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