I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
