I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
