he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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