i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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