just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
