oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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