So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize