Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
