You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
