just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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