The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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