so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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