i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
