If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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