I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
