my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize