I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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