I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
