When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
