If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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