Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
