sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
