i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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