it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
