Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
