We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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