dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
