Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
