Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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