got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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