sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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