just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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