So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
