I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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