Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
