I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
