Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
