I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
