shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
