I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just gargled with NyQuil
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
