My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
