hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
