So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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