I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
