we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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