I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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