I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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