You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
