i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
