The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
