I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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