just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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