I met the friendliest cop last night
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
