New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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