I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
