Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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