You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
