My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
