And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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