a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
