U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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