I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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