Duck Duck Cougar?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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