I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
