That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
