is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
